When the veil is lifted...

 and my eyes see clearly, the darkness I have lived through and endured, the pain does not lessen, but intensifies.

I have believed so many lies about myself and my life for so long, that the slow process of revealing the truth brings up insurmountable anguish to my soul.

To know that I lived a complete lie for so long is almost unbearable.

I simply thought it was all me. Everything was my fault. I just couldn't get it together for some reason and I had no idea why. I blamed myself because everyone else did, and I became a loser as a result of it.

I have nothing of my own. I have no life. I have no home to call my own, no husband, no family, no career. Nothing. Just health problems, menopause, a relationship with no direction, and now, living in a pandemic with no end in sight.

I could never succeed. I was never good enough. I could never get to a level beyond failure, and I did everything I possibly could within my own power of strength and ability. I could do no better if I did it all again with the same wisdom.

I never knew just how heavy my situation really was and what it was doing to me for so long. My life situation molded my view of myself and developed my self-esteem. It has broken me into so many pieces, there are just too many to pick up all by myself. 

I never really knew just how completely and utterly alone I truly was. I was not parented. I was a pet and then a servant, yet I believed I could trust those God placed me with. I did not know what was happening to me was wrong, so I blamed the way I felt on myself because I could not believe those I loved the most could be the cause of it. I feel so betrayed. 

I have always cried out to God, but have experienced nothing but complete silence. 

Where is my testimony? 

I have lamented to the Lord as long as I have known Him, but he remains silent. I have been given no answers and none of it makes any sense.

At this point, most of the time, I am zombie-like. There is nothing more I can do but wait for God only to hope that he will consider all my cries and act. What that looks like, I don't even know, for it all feels too late. I have no more zest for life. All those things I would hope for, in some ways are completely impossible now, for they are LITERALLY dead and have been consumed by fire and I am just left with the ashes. What could possibly even make up for the loss? 

Only God knows. 

 Fake Smile...

The smile you see on my face is no longer real. There is no truth behind it.

But it's there. It's there for you, not for me. It's there to demonstrate kindness, but not an inner expression of how I truly feel. It's there to show you I am not a threat, but it also takes everything in me to give it to you.

I have struggled with the smile for many years, but there have been some moments of sincerity behind it, but now, it is only an exertion of effort that has hardly any energy behind it at all. It has been slowly dying over the years with each passing trauma. It's the years of ungranted prayer requests to the Lord and watching my dreams die. It's the years of extreme physical limitations that have restricted me and held me back from being able to live and thrive and build a life and family of my own, only to be left to deal with the elderly in my family all alone to assist them and slowly watch them age and die to be left with complete uncertainty of my future. 

These people became my life. My existence. They needed someone and that someone became me and just me. Why? Why did it have to be just me? I did my best with what I had. I tried, but it wasn't enough to change anything. I can't change anything right now, so I still put on that fake smile for all of you to see. Just know, there is immense pain behind the smile, but it isn't your responsibility to fix it. It is what it is. It's how God wants it for now and there is no changing his mind. The world is still closed and there is no moving forward at all, but if and when it gets back to normal, is there even any time left in life to experience a true smile again? I don't even know.

 Inner Demons.....

  In this current world, we live in, there is a lot of animosity going on with tensions rising among just regular folks. For a sensitive soul, like mine, it can be difficult to find inner solace. 

 In the world of social media, it is prevalent. It can be avoided, but it stems out into real life. Just looking around, there is a huge "elephant in the room" that cannot be avoided. Wherever you go, there seem to be certain things we all have in common that are affecting each and every one of us. The obvious is the virus. Everywhere you go, people are wearing masks, signs to adapt to social distancing and restrictive mandates are the things we are all well aware of. Like it or not, we are all on display, to one another. The sense of personal privacy and minding one's own business can feel compromised. With all the talk about racial equality, discrimination, in every form and one's own perspective on the virus and leadership, politics is bound to creep in there somehow, and just minding one's own business can be criticized. I feel like it is in everyone's face these days and there is nowhere to go to escape it. 

 This brings me to the purpose of this blog. 

 I have been confronted with my own inner demons much more than usual with the heightened state of conflict that seems to be everywhere. 

 For the most part, I lay low. I don't like to make waves. I don't like to be a source of conflict, so I don't contribute my voice most of the time. I stay neutral to keep the peace.

 There are many reasons for this. 

  I didn't grow up feeling that I had a voice. My recollection of childhood was that I was mostly alone. No one was waiting there for me after school. Even my brother and I lived separately for the majority of our developmental years. My coping mechanism was to daydream myself into fantasy worlds where I could be a princess who had a ton of friends.

 When adults were around, there wasn't much engagement most of the time and I didn't learn about how to be an emotionally healthy adult. I just learned, from witnessing behaviors, that life was scary, filled with anxiety, stress, worry, and severe depression.  I felt lonely and invisible. It didn't help me when it came to making friends, either. I was basically a floater for most of my childhood, never really having any significant friendships. There were a couple. One in second grade, and one in 3rd to 4th grade. Then we went to different schools. I didn't find another true best friend after that. I was a loner. Even within a group of friends, I didn't pair up with anyone significant. I was just basically a member of the group. In 5th grade, I was bullied into hanging out with a girl who was so abusive to me. I didn't know how to get out of the friendship and it made me physically sick. She ended up moving that summer.  In 6th grade, I didn't even have a group of friends. I was trying to rekindle a friendship with my 2nd grade friend, and for some reason, all the girls ganged up on me and bullied me.  I spent my recess time laying by the tall trees, pretending they were my friends and, looking up at the clouds, but getting ready to face school every day left my stomach in knots, and there wasn't a trusted adult to confide in, nor was I guided to one. In High School, the school counselor called me into her office, because it was reported that I was obviously troubled. She asked about my home life and it became apparent to her as to why I didn't do well in my classes and why I seemed so overly sensitive. I can basically say it was mostly emotional neglect with some emotional abuse in there, too. I lived in either a lonely or angry/ depressive, environment with a lot of anxiety. It was extremely dark and traumatizing. The focus in that house was on the adult and their emotional issues. They were the only ones allowed in the house. Mine were nonexistent. There was not enough I could do to please, but I desperately kept trying. I just wanted love and approval but it didn't come. So, I learned an internal lesson that I just wasn't good enough. I became a people pleaser, too, because another internal lesson was that if I had issues, they were burdensome, irrelevant, or offensive because the focus would shift to me and that wasn't allowed. I was called selfish and vain if I ever said anything.

  Any time I would express displeasure or my own opposing opinions to anything, they were not received well, at all, and there wasn't any encouragement to speak my own mind. Absolutely no respect at all. There was always an overreaction of emotion. A lot of anger, then a lot of silence with tons of dirty looks... which equaled rejection, to me. It was agonizing. Sometimes the silence and dirty looks would last for weeks. I would crawl back and apologize for simply having my own mind to try to restore the love I lost, even though I truly did nothing wrong. At the time, I didn't know that. I took the blame and beat myself up in a senseless manner. It wasn't a nurturing environment to help me grow into a confident individual with healthy self-esteem. Far from it. I mostly felt unnoticed, but if I said something that displeased certain, significant people in my life, the reaction was that I was a horrible human being and I felt a sudden spotlight on me. It wasn't just one person either. I experienced this from more than one person. There was tremendous guilt and shame directed towards me, and I believed it. I wasn't assured that I was allowed to have my own voice. I was just supposed to be a good girl and agree. I would either get the silent treatment for days or explosive bursts of anger with emotional shots fired at me to completely shame me and it would flatten me. I would end up abusing myself for it. Hitting myself in the head and spewing hateful curses at my reflection. If the people I loved the most didn't offer me the love I needed, then I obviously didn't deserve it. I lived with a constant knot in my stomach and was sick most of the time. To this day, I struggle with chronic ailments which are much more severe.

 It has affected me in so many different areas of my life. My time with Disney, relationships, and even at church. Those experiences can be shared in other blogs. This is about my foundation in my early years and how those triggers can come up to haunt me, especially in this time of unrest. 

  I see the dialog, online, between people that is just horrible. The atmosphere feels all too familiar with all the angry voices, the abusive digs, the dirty looks, etc... It's all over social media and on television, and maybe even at the local supermarket. For me, relationships were healed over the years, but a lot of personal, emotional damage was left in me to work through, so it's challenging. I tend to want to say something, but most of the time, I don't. All because of the old internal rules that I learned in my early years, resurface. "My voice will not be respected." "My voice will be severely criticized." "I am not supposed to speak my mind because it makes me bad." Not logical messages, but emotional messages. I have been in therapy several times in my lifetime, so I know where all of this comes from, but it doesn't necessarily clear up the triggers that can jolt me at times. 

 I know the reality is, is that not everyone is going to agree and not everyone is going to like what I have to say, and it may cause them to actually dislike me, which is the childhood fear in me of rejection, which leads to self-hatred. It isn't a conscious thought, it is an emotional reflex. I live with regret for simply saying anything and feeling anxiety when any conflicting rebuttals come my way. I have this war that goes on in myself that tries to stop me from allowing myself to be an individual who is an adult and is allowed to have a voice of her own even if it differs from other's opinions. I revert to feeling like a child again in a world of adults who are upset with me for not thinking like they do and the inner demons begin to beat me up again. I feel a hot flush come in like a wave over me and it shoots up my head and I feel light headed. It is the fight or flight response. There is also a freeze response, too, which is how I usually react. It's just crazy what unresolved trauma can do to a person. It is an actual physical experience.

 I know healing and personal growth is a process. I know in my head, I am allowed to have a voice of my own. I am a grown woman and not a little girl. It doesn't matter if people don't like me or if they disagree with me. I have someone who loves me and a BIG God who loves me even more. I can hold my head up high because it is my God-given right to have a voice when I choose to use it. As long as I can do it wisely, with grace.

 Someone told me, in a comment, tonight on FB, not to voice my view on a particular topic. Those old demons of intimidation and inferiority tried to creep up and get the best of me, but I worked it through and assured myself that I have the right to speak my views just like anyone else. I didn't even bother to reply to that nonsense. I believe what I had to say was valid and just because they might disagree, does not give them the right to silence my view. I am learning and I am growing. If you don't like what I have to say, that isn't my problem. I will not make you my enemy, but when I am told that I should not be able to speak, you are in the wrong. Period. It's not worth exerting my time and energy to respond in a debate.

 I do prefer peace because it is much more pleasant, but I do have my personal views on things. Don't get me wrong. At times, I might say something here and there because it finally just comes out, and some of you might not like it. I don't need to feel bad for it or regret it if it doesn't always sit well with other people and this is the lesson I need to continue to remind myself for the remainder of my days. It is my right as an individual. I know others might struggle with some of the same feelings if inferiority, for one reason or another. Confrontation is not fun, but I am still standing. That's the beauty of having freedom of speech in this country. It's just a matter of receiving and offering that freedom to ourselves.

 

Emotional Attachments.

I read this article and in the past I had a problem with the idea of letting go of emotional attachments. In some cases, it was magnified to a level where it meant giving up connection with others. I'm not into Chinese spiritualism, I am a Christian, but I do see wisdom in this which is a lot different than what I learned before, and it completely aligns with the teachings in Scripture. I'm taking on a new perspective and I believe this to be very healthy. I hope none of my Christian friends get freaked out by the Chinese phrase or the word Zen at the bottom, just look at the definition of what it says and compare it with Scripture......Basically in a nutshell...."Deny Thyself" Matt. 16:24; Mk. 8:34; Lk. 9:23

If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present.  A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

Experiencing Without Attachment

Accept the moment for what it is. Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

Believe now is enough. It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

Call yourself out. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment. When you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

Enjoy now fully. No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity—aim for quality, instead. Attach to the idea of living well moment-to-moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

Letting Go of Attachment to People

Friend yourself. It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself.

Go it alone sometimes. Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

Hold lightly. This one isn’t just about releasing attachments—it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

Interact with lots of people. If you limit yourself to one or two relationships they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

Justify less. I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

Know you can’t change the past. Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

Love instead of fearing. When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear: fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.  

Make now count. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

Narrate calmly. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned.  That’s all you really need from yesterday.

Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job, the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

Release the need to know. Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

Serve your purpose now. You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

Teach others. It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

Understand that pain is unavoidable. No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Vocalize your feelings. Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

Write it down. Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

Xie Xie. It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: it will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

Yield to peace. The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

Zen your now. Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s OK. It’s human nature.

Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love.

The most important question: what do you choose right now?

Secret of the human soul

Do you ever give a gift and the reaction doesn't seem to be what you had hoped it would be?

Do you ever hear that someone you love dearly just doesn't feel loved even though you express it to them a lot and it puzzles you?

Do you ever speak words to encourage people only to have them push them away?

Do you ever give hugs or touch someone to let them know you care, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be received well or even help them feel any better?

Do you try to show love and support to someone by helping them with things in their daily lives but they still don't seem to recognize that you are doing it because you care?

I read a great book a few years ago called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it spoke to me.

The human soul's deepest longing is to feel loved and accepted for who they are, yet some try to express it to them but they just don't feel it. Why?

Because each of us speaks a different language of love that touches us in our deepest parts. If it isn't being offered to us in the way we recognize it, then we won't identify it when others are extending their love language to us which might be completely different than our own.

God told me a secret today. If I want to know how to make others feel loved, I need to observe how they love others. How they reach out and give of themselves. It will speak volumes to me what they are deeply longing for in their own souls without even having to ask. It might not be in the same way I do, but it is still very meaningful to them. By their expression of giving love, it is also an educator to outsiders of their own soul. They show what touches them the most. Even if it might not be in the same way we give love or want to receive love, it doesn't mean we can't learn another way for other people to feel love from us and do our best to educate others about ourselves if they are willing to 'listen'. The one's worth investing ourselves in are the one's who will listen.  Listen by observing what we do. Taking an interest in those things and acting upon them. I think the book is great to get our primary love languages in order, but we can be combinations of languages. The best way to learn isn't necessarily from a book or taking a quiz, its taking an active interest in observing other's speaking their love language. But to do that, we must be willing to set aside our own way of loving by actively observing other's instead of only thinking how 'we' would feel loved. That is a true act of service.  That is true unconditional love. :)


*I am adding on to this because a friend also reminded me that some are incapable of loving others due to emotional damage so it might make observing others difficult. So, I would think the best way to deal with these people would be to experiment with all the different types of love languages which actually can be found in the book, and try them all out to see which one's they respond to the most. Something will melt their heart eventually.

Here are the 5...you can do your own research after this...

Words of affirmation
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of service