Inner Demons.....

  In this current world, we live in, there is a lot of animosity going on with tensions rising among just regular folks. For a sensitive soul, like mine, it can be difficult to find inner solace. 

 In the world of social media, it is prevalent. It can be avoided, but it stems out into real life. Just looking around, there is a huge "elephant in the room" that cannot be avoided. Wherever you go, there seem to be certain things we all have in common that are affecting each and every one of us. The obvious is the virus. Everywhere you go, people are wearing masks, signs to adapt to social distancing and restrictive mandates are the things we are all well aware of. Like it or not, we are all on display, to one another. The sense of personal privacy and minding one's own business can feel compromised. With all the talk about racial equality, discrimination, in every form and one's own perspective on the virus and leadership, politics is bound to creep in there somehow, and just minding one's own business can be criticized. I feel like it is in everyone's face these days and there is nowhere to go to escape it. 

 This brings me to the purpose of this blog. 

 I have been confronted with my own inner demons much more than usual with the heightened state of conflict that seems to be everywhere. 

 For the most part, I lay low. I don't like to make waves. I don't like to be a source of conflict, so I don't contribute my voice most of the time. I stay neutral to keep the peace.

 There are many reasons for this. 

  I didn't grow up feeling that I had a voice. My recollection of childhood was that I was mostly alone. No one was waiting there for me after school. Even my brother and I lived separately for the majority of our developmental years. My coping mechanism was to daydream myself into fantasy worlds where I could be a princess who had a ton of friends.

 When adults were around, there wasn't much engagement most of the time and I didn't learn about how to be an emotionally healthy adult. I just learned, from witnessing behaviors, that life was scary, filled with anxiety, stress, worry, and severe depression.  I felt lonely and invisible. It didn't help me when it came to making friends, either. I was basically a floater for most of my childhood, never really having any significant friendships. There were a couple. One in second grade, and one in 3rd to 4th grade. Then we went to different schools. I didn't find another true best friend after that. I was a loner. Even within a group of friends, I didn't pair up with anyone significant. I was just basically a member of the group. In 5th grade, I was bullied into hanging out with a girl who was so abusive to me. I didn't know how to get out of the friendship and it made me physically sick. She ended up moving that summer.  In 6th grade, I didn't even have a group of friends. I was trying to rekindle a friendship with my 2nd grade friend, and for some reason, all the girls ganged up on me and bullied me.  I spent my recess time laying by the tall trees, pretending they were my friends and, looking up at the clouds, but getting ready to face school every day left my stomach in knots, and there wasn't a trusted adult to confide in, nor was I guided to one. In High School, the school counselor called me into her office, because it was reported that I was obviously troubled. She asked about my home life and it became apparent to her as to why I didn't do well in my classes and why I seemed so overly sensitive. I can basically say it was mostly emotional neglect with some emotional abuse in there, too. I lived in either a lonely or angry/ depressive, environment with a lot of anxiety. It was extremely dark and traumatizing. The focus in that house was on the adult and their emotional issues. They were the only ones allowed in the house. Mine were nonexistent. There was not enough I could do to please, but I desperately kept trying. I just wanted love and approval but it didn't come. So, I learned an internal lesson that I just wasn't good enough. I became a people pleaser, too, because another internal lesson was that if I had issues, they were burdensome, irrelevant, or offensive because the focus would shift to me and that wasn't allowed. I was called selfish and vain if I ever said anything.

  Any time I would express displeasure or my own opposing opinions to anything, they were not received well, at all, and there wasn't any encouragement to speak my own mind. Absolutely no respect at all. There was always an overreaction of emotion. A lot of anger, then a lot of silence with tons of dirty looks... which equaled rejection, to me. It was agonizing. Sometimes the silence and dirty looks would last for weeks. I would crawl back and apologize for simply having my own mind to try to restore the love I lost, even though I truly did nothing wrong. At the time, I didn't know that. I took the blame and beat myself up in a senseless manner. It wasn't a nurturing environment to help me grow into a confident individual with healthy self-esteem. Far from it. I mostly felt unnoticed, but if I said something that displeased certain, significant people in my life, the reaction was that I was a horrible human being and I felt a sudden spotlight on me. It wasn't just one person either. I experienced this from more than one person. There was tremendous guilt and shame directed towards me, and I believed it. I wasn't assured that I was allowed to have my own voice. I was just supposed to be a good girl and agree. I would either get the silent treatment for days or explosive bursts of anger with emotional shots fired at me to completely shame me and it would flatten me. I would end up abusing myself for it. Hitting myself in the head and spewing hateful curses at my reflection. If the people I loved the most didn't offer me the love I needed, then I obviously didn't deserve it. I lived with a constant knot in my stomach and was sick most of the time. To this day, I struggle with chronic ailments which are much more severe.

 It has affected me in so many different areas of my life. My time with Disney, relationships, and even at church. Those experiences can be shared in other blogs. This is about my foundation in my early years and how those triggers can come up to haunt me, especially in this time of unrest. 

  I see the dialog, online, between people that is just horrible. The atmosphere feels all too familiar with all the angry voices, the abusive digs, the dirty looks, etc... It's all over social media and on television, and maybe even at the local supermarket. For me, relationships were healed over the years, but a lot of personal, emotional damage was left in me to work through, so it's challenging. I tend to want to say something, but most of the time, I don't. All because of the old internal rules that I learned in my early years, resurface. "My voice will not be respected." "My voice will be severely criticized." "I am not supposed to speak my mind because it makes me bad." Not logical messages, but emotional messages. I have been in therapy several times in my lifetime, so I know where all of this comes from, but it doesn't necessarily clear up the triggers that can jolt me at times. 

 I know the reality is, is that not everyone is going to agree and not everyone is going to like what I have to say, and it may cause them to actually dislike me, which is the childhood fear in me of rejection, which leads to self-hatred. It isn't a conscious thought, it is an emotional reflex. I live with regret for simply saying anything and feeling anxiety when any conflicting rebuttals come my way. I have this war that goes on in myself that tries to stop me from allowing myself to be an individual who is an adult and is allowed to have a voice of her own even if it differs from other's opinions. I revert to feeling like a child again in a world of adults who are upset with me for not thinking like they do and the inner demons begin to beat me up again. I feel a hot flush come in like a wave over me and it shoots up my head and I feel light headed. It is the fight or flight response. There is also a freeze response, too, which is how I usually react. It's just crazy what unresolved trauma can do to a person. It is an actual physical experience.

 I know healing and personal growth is a process. I know in my head, I am allowed to have a voice of my own. I am a grown woman and not a little girl. It doesn't matter if people don't like me or if they disagree with me. I have someone who loves me and a BIG God who loves me even more. I can hold my head up high because it is my God-given right to have a voice when I choose to use it. As long as I can do it wisely, with grace.

 Someone told me, in a comment, tonight on FB, not to voice my view on a particular topic. Those old demons of intimidation and inferiority tried to creep up and get the best of me, but I worked it through and assured myself that I have the right to speak my views just like anyone else. I didn't even bother to reply to that nonsense. I believe what I had to say was valid and just because they might disagree, does not give them the right to silence my view. I am learning and I am growing. If you don't like what I have to say, that isn't my problem. I will not make you my enemy, but when I am told that I should not be able to speak, you are in the wrong. Period. It's not worth exerting my time and energy to respond in a debate.

 I do prefer peace because it is much more pleasant, but I do have my personal views on things. Don't get me wrong. At times, I might say something here and there because it finally just comes out, and some of you might not like it. I don't need to feel bad for it or regret it if it doesn't always sit well with other people and this is the lesson I need to continue to remind myself for the remainder of my days. It is my right as an individual. I know others might struggle with some of the same feelings if inferiority, for one reason or another. Confrontation is not fun, but I am still standing. That's the beauty of having freedom of speech in this country. It's just a matter of receiving and offering that freedom to ourselves.