When the veil is lifted...

 and my eyes see clearly, the darkness I have lived through and endured, the pain does not lessen, but intensifies.

I have believed so many lies about myself and my life for so long, that the slow process of revealing the truth brings up insurmountable anguish to my soul.

To know that I lived a complete lie for so long is almost unbearable.

I simply thought it was all me. Everything was my fault. I just couldn't get it together for some reason and I had no idea why. I blamed myself because everyone else did, and I became a loser as a result of it.

I have nothing of my own. I have no life. I have no home to call my own, no husband, no family, no career. Nothing. Just health problems, menopause, a relationship with no direction, and now, living in a pandemic with no end in sight.

I could never succeed. I was never good enough. I could never get to a level beyond failure, and I did everything I possibly could within my own power of strength and ability. I could do no better if I did it all again with the same wisdom.

I never knew just how heavy my situation really was and what it was doing to me for so long. My life situation molded my view of myself and developed my self-esteem. It has broken me into so many pieces, there are just too many to pick up all by myself. 

I never really knew just how completely and utterly alone I truly was. I was not parented. I was a pet and then a servant, yet I believed I could trust those God placed me with. I did not know what was happening to me was wrong, so I blamed the way I felt on myself because I could not believe those I loved the most could be the cause of it. I feel so betrayed. 

I have always cried out to God, but have experienced nothing but complete silence. 

Where is my testimony? 

I have lamented to the Lord as long as I have known Him, but he remains silent. I have been given no answers and none of it makes any sense.

At this point, most of the time, I am zombie-like. There is nothing more I can do but wait for God only to hope that he will consider all my cries and act. What that looks like, I don't even know, for it all feels too late. I have no more zest for life. All those things I would hope for, in some ways are completely impossible now, for they are LITERALLY dead and have been consumed by fire and I am just left with the ashes. What could possibly even make up for the loss? 

Only God knows.